Finding the right words to say

A year ago August 1st, I did what I would have thought the un-thinkable: stand up and talk at my mom's funeral at 26 years old. I didn't think that I could do it, in fact my friend from work was sitting in the batters box waiting to come save me if I got out of control. But somehow I got AMAZING strength that day. I spoke from the heart, and hopefully made my mama and my family proud. Do you know we have HUGE building for a church and that it was packed, standing room only? You would have thought my mother was celebrity. I never knew she had touched so many lives; she did. She wanted me to speak that day so I did, and below is my words chosen ever so carefully. I would like to share them with you, since you have been such a great support system:

My mother wanted me to speak today because she told me she thought I was good with words. I find this one of the hardest writing assignments that I have ever had, not necessarily because of the situation, but because I don’t think I can put into words what she truly meant to all of us. She was amazing and inspiring, but even those I do not feel do her enough justice. What I do know is that she is incredible for fighting for so long and never being bitter to why it had to happen to her. She told me numerous times, “not to put a question mark where God put a period.” That is what she did; she never threw that question mark out there. She accepted what so many could not. Her strength was inspiring. I was blessed to have the opportunity to spend three weeks around the clock with her during Easter. It was at this time I saw another side of my mother. Any daughter would consider her mother wonderful and untouchable, but my awe extended past that when people I did not know came and visited my mom at the house. I heard stories of how she made an impact in their lives. I saw her in a new light, not as my mother, but instead the magnificent friend and role model she was to others. And as people came and went, there was one word which everyone used constantly: inspiring. I then realized they were right and she had been inspiring to her family and others her whole life. She truly felt God needed her early for a higher purpose, a spectacular, amazing purpose in heaven and that she would still be able to influence our lives from heaven. Whatever that higher purpose is, I know that she will give it all her heart, because that is what she did here on earth. I have never known someone who had so much love to give. That is the most important thing I have learned from my mother, is how to love others unconditionally, and because of her I have so much love to give. So today she would want us to celebrate the love she gave to so many of us. She told me she did not what this to be a somber occasion, but instead a celebration of the memories we shared with her. So while it may hurt to accept the fact that she is gone, look into your heart and feel the love she gave to each of you and remember that she is no longer suffering; instead she is fulfilling her higher purpose in heaven as I speak. As she is smiles down on us today, be thankful for the opportunity of knowing such an astounding person; cherish your memories and hold her in your heart forever. Sing loud today so that she can hear up above, she would love that. Though it will feel like eternity, we will see her once again at the heavenly gates. I am so fortunate to have such a wonderful mother and to be able to carry on her love, faithfulness, strength, and humbleness for generations to come.

They say time heals all wounds

But they don't ever tell you how much time must go by first. Today has been a difficult day because as most of you know it is has been one year since my mother has passed away. It's been a roller coaster, but the unexpected also happened today: my father lost his job. Of all days for this to happen this was the worst. I feel helpless, I wish I could help my Dad. It's amazing how stress can drain your body; I feel drained today. I have many thoughts running through my head...I just got off BCP so that we can start TTC in the next couple months. I am so excited, scared, and then think of the moments I would call my mama, but I can't. It kills me that my children will never know their Grandma "Ski"...they will be missing out on so much! Her smile, her knowledge, her love, her intelligence, and her paparazzi skills. It's scary to talk about, but I know it is life. I know that one day time will heal my wounds, and I look forward to that day. The day I will be able to remember my mother as normal and not with cancer, the day when we are both on the same page with God; that will be a glorious day.

I would like to leave you with the memorial poem I displayed for my mother and sister at my wedding, it gives me much comfort to read it because it describes her to a tee.

"If daisies grow in Heaven, Lord,

please pick a bunch for me,

put them in my mama's arms

and tell her they're from me.

Tell her I love her and miss her,

and when she turns to smile

place a kiss upon her cheek

and hold her for awhile.

Remembering her is easy,

I do it everyday,

but there's an ache within my

heart that will never go away."

RIP mama 4/4/60 - 7/23/08

***Next Monday I plan on posting what I wrote and read for her funeral, it means a ton to share it with you all.

A year from yesterday

was the last time I saw my mom alive. The last time I kissed her, told her how much I loved her. On Thursday it will be a year since she lost her battle with cancer. Hard to believe that the year has gone by so quick. I think while the week ahead will be hard, I think as it passes it might be a little easier to go on. I am so lucky to have such a great support system, and was so lucky to have her for twenty-six years of my life. Yet I feel like I need her more everyday, the things I would give up to be able to hear her voice on the phone, hug her, and just sit in a room with her. I think the thing that makes it the worst is that I don't have a reason why God took her away at forty-eight...took her away from a family that still needs her so badly. These unanswered questions are the ones that tear my heart into pieces.

My Mama Monday

Just sitting on my porch tonight enjoying the nice weather here in Ohio. Eighty-six degrees doesn't happen often here in April. I did not know what to post tonight, and behold God let me know with the weather. I love my front porch, and it is probably one of my most favorite things about my house. The reason is because as a child we sent many of nights sitting on the front porch. My dad, my mama, and my siblings. My parents loved to sit on the porch watching the traffic, thunderstorms and anything else that was interesting. I remember the most is my mom ALWAYS having a beer with my dad. Guess what I am doing right now? Yeah you guessed it, sitting here with a Miller Chill, my mama's favorite beer as well as mine, wishing I could share this moment with her on my porch. We didn't get any of those being we bought our house months before she got sick. It's days like these that I miss her the most. When I think about the memories we will never get to share. It just happened so quick, and I think of the things I wish I would have taken the time to do as an adult with her. So do me a favor, tonight call your mom, whether you are close or not, and let her know how much you love her and appreciate all she has done...you just never know if there will be a day when you can not share those thoughts with her.

Happy Birthday Mama!!

Today, 49 years ago, my mother Deborah Anne was born. Unfortunately, she is unable to celebrate her birthday this year. On July 23, 2008 she lost her courageous battle with cancer. Today is one of my tough "grieving days". Even though I am with a heavy heart today, my mother would want me to celebrate. When I think of her, the first thing I see is that huge smile she had. It is still hard to remember what she looked like before the cancer took a hold of her body, but even when it did, it never took her smile or her spirit. My mother was one tough cookie, showing strength that I was not even aware that she had. I want to reflect on the kind of mother she was for the 26 years I had with her. She was loving, kind, never missed an event for her children. She would go without the clothes on the back for the six of us. I was so fortunate for the mother I had, and for the values and morals she instilled within me. So even though the road will be long without her, and some days I feel that I can't go on without her, I know one thing for sure; she is in my heart. I would give ANYTHING in the world to have her here again, but unfortunately God doesn't work that way. I am lucky to be a spitting image of her, I thank God for that. So today mama, I may be sad I don't have you here, I know that you are having the most wonderful birthday up in heaven with your daughter, and my sister Angeila. I know that makes you smile to be with her again. Don't worry, I have not broken my promise, I am taking care of Dad and everyone else the best I can.

I would like to leave you with some pictures of my mom. (Which are above) Fortunately before she passed we had a wedding session together knowing she would not make it to my special day. She was beautiful no matter what, and I will always love her for that.

Proud to annouce " My Mama Monday's"!

From the encouraging comments I got from my readers I am going to proceed with my writing about my mother who I lost almost nine months ago. I will post these on Mondays, but on this first week I will do my first post on Saturday April 4th in memory of my mothers 49th birthday this weekend. While it will probably be very painful to write, I feel it the most appropriate. Bear with me while I write these posts each week or every other week, it is going to stir up a lot of emotions. I feel that this is a good thing to heal though.
Currently, not to much going on around here but fixing our water damage...maybe I can get some pics to show you. May everyone have a great night!